No witty lead-in here: this movie blows, front to back. Forget about it being a Visual Masterpiece (Steve Oldfield, FOX-TV) or a Visual Blast (Paul Tatara, CNN), this movie was a visual backhanded insult-turned-ridicule of the senses. This movie didn't make any sense, ever, and here's how:
Number 1: Mrs. Doubtfire is out of costume, the whole movie. His kids are right there, too, for like, the whole time, and they obviously know she's their dad. He seems oblivious! I mean, flashbacks are one thing, and I won't fault a movie for those, because historical record is infallible, but for all of the Heaven scenes? His daughter is there! He's not even trying. In fact!
Number 2: Hitting on one's daughter. The whole stewardess story? Right, told from a certain perspective and whatnot, but in the end, the little girl has assumed the form of a stewardess she's sure she saw her dad make eyes at. What does this say about their relationship? What didn't his wife or son know? What didn't the dog know? Secrets are fine to an extent, but if you're, very early on, letting your audience in on some incest, you need to have provided a context within which it may be digested.
Number 3: Keanu Reeves. This guy, somehow, gained some weight, lost some age, and made it into a decent movie. But still, he ruins! Not that I have anything against his talent, most of the time (in fact, I'm a fan! Just wait until I review 2012, a great movie in which he plays a writer, fighting for his and the lives of his family!), but he just blew the candles out on the cake that could have been certain portions of this film. I know he's young, and inexperienced (how old was he in 2002 anyway? Like, 16? When was Excellent Adventure released?), and that let me watch this movie until the end, but...
Number 4: Come on! White kids turning black turning white turning into kids or some shit? Young girls turning Asian turning into dogs and then into girls, maybe? Wives turning into artists turning into ex-wives turning into crazy freak out chicks in a nether realm? Do I suspend my disbelief at the door? Docudrama this is not. Even the Bible has some shit to say about the depictions of Heaven, Hell, and what I can only assume is Purgatory (don't be a Christian now!), and it doesn't mesh with this junk.
Number 5: Unlimited power. What the fuck, Eli from One Hour Photo? Your life exists after the era of the Matrix, why the shit can't you master the powers of Heaven/Hell, when they're so obviously available to you, to save your stupid wife? It takes the whole movie for him to get to her, while it only takes her about 20 minutes to off herself. Where were you when she drank down the meds? You can soul-write through her, and mess with her paintings from beyond the grave, but you can't just fucking step out and be like, "here's the deal, I'm dead, come visit."? I mean, even the movie Ghost had more interactivity! (Too soon?)
Number 6: Resolution. Where's What Dreams May Come 2? Or 3? Or 4? You're not allowed to have that Lil Rascals ending without some 'splanin as to how it occurred.
All in all, I give this movie a 6 out of 9, due to visuals and the comic styling of Richard Pryor and Mel Brooks. See it, I'm sure it's what I said it was!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Batman Begins
Somewhat coincidentally, this is the beginning of a series of updates featuring layman reviews of various movies, TV (on DVD), and the occasional game, which stems from an unyielding affection for my collections at large. Seeing as the coincidence will likely elude the reader still: the movie that I'll be reviewing to(night) is Batman Begins.
Holy shit is the first thing I have to say. Christian Bale, you multi-faceted fuck, how do you manage to shed some 60 lbs for The Machinist, and then turn right around and gain it back in the face of a beautiful bone cage befitting one as emptied of substance as yourself? Prior to The Machinist, you reportedly weighed as much as 180 lbs, and following, weighed under 120 lbs. The last time I weighed under 120 lbs was due to a high school girlfriends' sexual proclivities, not that I'm complaining, but it's worth being aware.
Second thing is, Cillian Murphy. You know this guy, from, I don't know, maybe Red Eye? Breakfast on Pluto? 28 Days Later? I'm not sure what the audience could be at this point, but if you haven't seen Batman Begins, then I'm guessing you're 58 and your kids are just now entering high school, or you're 28 and The Lord your God can't be bothered to keep you in the loop. If the latter, skip Breakfast on Pluto, and if the former, please skip ahead to the same movie, because you don't know what you're missing. I don't know when I'll be reviewing Breakfast on Pluto, so don't bother, actually.
Third thing is, the guy. Laim Neisson? Forget spellcheck for a second, because honestly, when did you know about him? This movie? Taken? Star Wars Episode 1? I realize those are out of order, but I was heading toward Krull, so it doesn't matter anyway. Krull should be coming up soon, and I won't spend time on it now, but midget cyclopses is somethign special, so set aside some time if you're able.
If I had to outline a plot, I'd say that a misdirected youth is, eventually, trapped in a lose-lose situation in an Asian prison, forced to join an assassin's guild for the sake of self preservation, which eventually morphs into a desire for world peace, given some unholy source of income, which can be derived probably, but who the fuck cares where the guy gets his scratch? You want to know about Batman, and in this movie, Batman:
a) is noble
b) is naive
c) has the hots for Tom Cruise's chick
d) doesn't give two shits about the Scarecrow, no matter how much nobody cares about him
A hulked-out Murphy beats down some Asians, joins an assassin's guild (see: Assassin's Creed), solves crime (see: Vigilante), exploits his wealth (see: Blank Check), and assaults minorities (see: Fresh Prince? It's awkward, so what?)
Holy shit is the first thing I have to say. Christian Bale, you multi-faceted fuck, how do you manage to shed some 60 lbs for The Machinist, and then turn right around and gain it back in the face of a beautiful bone cage befitting one as emptied of substance as yourself? Prior to The Machinist, you reportedly weighed as much as 180 lbs, and following, weighed under 120 lbs. The last time I weighed under 120 lbs was due to a high school girlfriends' sexual proclivities, not that I'm complaining, but it's worth being aware.
Second thing is, Cillian Murphy. You know this guy, from, I don't know, maybe Red Eye? Breakfast on Pluto? 28 Days Later? I'm not sure what the audience could be at this point, but if you haven't seen Batman Begins, then I'm guessing you're 58 and your kids are just now entering high school, or you're 28 and The Lord your God can't be bothered to keep you in the loop. If the latter, skip Breakfast on Pluto, and if the former, please skip ahead to the same movie, because you don't know what you're missing. I don't know when I'll be reviewing Breakfast on Pluto, so don't bother, actually.
Third thing is, the guy. Laim Neisson? Forget spellcheck for a second, because honestly, when did you know about him? This movie? Taken? Star Wars Episode 1? I realize those are out of order, but I was heading toward Krull, so it doesn't matter anyway. Krull should be coming up soon, and I won't spend time on it now, but midget cyclopses is somethign special, so set aside some time if you're able.
If I had to outline a plot, I'd say that a misdirected youth is, eventually, trapped in a lose-lose situation in an Asian prison, forced to join an assassin's guild for the sake of self preservation, which eventually morphs into a desire for world peace, given some unholy source of income, which can be derived probably, but who the fuck cares where the guy gets his scratch? You want to know about Batman, and in this movie, Batman:
a) is noble
b) is naive
c) has the hots for Tom Cruise's chick
d) doesn't give two shits about the Scarecrow, no matter how much nobody cares about him
A hulked-out Murphy beats down some Asians, joins an assassin's guild (see: Assassin's Creed), solves crime (see: Vigilante), exploits his wealth (see: Blank Check), and assaults minorities (see: Fresh Prince? It's awkward, so what?)
Mission Statement
Inaugural posts are always awkward, and I don't intend to tread upon any unintended rhythm. In place of an actual statement of mission, I'll at least touch on the fact that my burgeoning movie collection is beyond my grasp, and reviewing each movie I own in some way at some time will at least give me peace in the short term; and at most it will provide some bit of extra fluff to failed Google searches.
If you find yourself here in error, you are the majority, and welcome.
If you find yourself here in error, you are the majority, and welcome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)